Drafts now feels like nothing……

Where did i go wrong?My thinking?My situations?My upbringing?or My experience?Sumthing tt i used to look forward to now seems to deminished at the very moment those words aare being said… I care for the ppl around me…esp my kids but to sum ppl,i cared too much and yet to sum ppl,i seemed to be the ignorant kindda mum….words are jz never enuf to help me pour out the feelings tt are trapped in….Now,because of words,the excitement of a second chance to build my own mosque jz tremble down right before my very eyes….

Arguements are never rare between us but its gettin out of hands at times…no matter how hard i tried to keep it concealed,i’d keep on ending up showing my anger towards him….He’s the water within me…..Ever so often tt i felt down or angry at my situations,his presence never failed to brings upon the smile to my face………but what if????? wat if the anger is towards him???how do i handle it?wud i be able to handle it?i’d never really know…..haiz……

I’v always felt so blessed to have him in my life,being able to accept the differences in our life and to be accept the packages tt comes along with me…I’v always understand on why he wun want any kids of his own caused there’s always sumthing abt him for not wanting any kids in the future…He treats my kids so well tt at times,my kids seems to be taking advantage of the niceness in him….time and again hv i always warned my kids in regards of their attitudes but this time round,they seems very adamant in having tt attitude in them thinking tt no matter what they did,he’d always be there for them….How wrong are they to be behaving in such a way….Yes he’d be there….but no longer as a father figure but only for me….And me being me is never selfish enufto let tt ever happens to my kids coz i know very well how life is having a step dad whose jz gnna be the solely as a title only….Truth is,i wud never want such things to happen to my kids at all….I admits tt my kids hv been taking him for granted lately…and he being a super nice guy jz wud let it go in the name of fatherly love….Unfortunately,in not wanting his own child,he’s been pinning up high hopes upon my kids….He’s been the perfect example,father figure and even a role model to my kids all these while…..so hearing him saying tt he actually gave up and wud rather be like any of the other step fathers out there jz pissed me off to the max….i’d rather live the rest of my life alone…face the probs of my adolecent kids on my own anf finally to rest in peace alone….never wud i want my kids to live the life i used to or am currently living like how it was for me and my own step dad….Its too stressful to begin with knowing tt there’s so much hatred tt he actually harbors for me…Sincerely,i do not wish my kids to be suffering the same fate as i did…..

When will my kids realised tt for now,he is being sumone better than their own flesh and blood sperm donor who holds the title of a Father to them?When will they realise tt eventho he’s not of their own,he cares so much for them??And when will they realise tt he’s the source of my happiness despite the tough times tt i’m facing???With them not realising any single thing at all,how could i ever move on with my life??Thinking back at his dissappointment in my kids really dampens my mood off…Those words tt i’v never expected to hear tt it is actually coming out from him….How cud i even think of a next marrieage when there’s a very high possibilties of my kids growing up like me??All i wanted was for them to get along well with each other not because of obligations and neither is it because of advantages they cud gain from it….

After all the thinking and pondering has been done,do u even think tt its wise for me to move on and get myself hitched jz for my own happiness??I’m not tt selfish aites…..Maybe i’m jz destined to be alone….not fit for any 2nd chances in life at all…Jz to be living for my kids and not caused any stress to others…and jz to be battling it all alone…..so indeed….the drafts and plans of a new lease of life wud jz be sumthing unfinished as all those feels like nothing at all……

Advertisements

About miqilliahdanish

As strong as we are,sumtimes we do need a channel to express our thoughts -------- Thats why i'm here,coz i am what i am,a person who'd stay strong despite the hurdles in life.....
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s